The worst part of being human

Liking people is probably the worst part of being human. Having a sex drive sucks. At times I wish I could just crush my libido and never have sex again.

It's such a hassle that goes along with human romance. We have to try so hard to appear attractive to other people. So, we spend hours in the bathroom, making sure we're spic and span and ready to greet the human race with our sex drive in overdrive.

Then there is the actual awkwardness of getting to know someone. You have to keep looking like you want to fuck their brains out without coming on too strongly and scaring them away. Look, I just wish it were as easy as one another coming up to each other and saying, "Hey, let's fuck!" If that's what they have in mind, then just fucking say it right off the bat. Then I'd know what I was messing with.

And finally there's all that messy emotional bull-fuckin'-shit that goes along with dating. I enjoy being lovey dovey and cuddling as much as the next guy, but when it comes to that day when they've cheated on you, or you've finally let them see you without clothes on or they've really gotten to know who you really are or you've decided that you have to leave where you are in life, then you're flung into all of that metaphysical sticky goo of the break up. That's when hanging out is awkward, and having mutual friends is awkward and even regarding the person as a living, breathing, human being is awkward so you thinking, "Hey, let's just forget about it," and you do and it's all over.

Only it's not. It isn't ever over. You return again and again, hoping to fuck that really great guy who will be with you forever. Cause let's face it guys, we date to have sex. If we didn't have sex drives, we wouldn't need to date...we could just all be really great friends. Anyone who tries to deny this fact is obviously denying their promiscuity. If you think it's wrong, it doesn't make it any better if you're dating when you do it.

Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm sick in tired of listening to people's bullshit, baby whiney, crying crap about how they really liked someone and they just can't get over it, or dating really is that great. I don't mean to sound like I hate people who have found someone really great for them and then they feel the need to proclaim it to the world. I don't hate you, I hate what you're doing. It doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy to see two people holding hands or kissing or telling each other that they mean the world to one another. Why? Cause I'm jealous. That's fucking why!

I have crushes too. I like people too. I like to have sex too. I'm a human being just like you are! So don't judge me if I call something what it is. I hate wanting to be with people. It hurts me because I know that no matter what it doesn't matter to the person I like...because quite usually they won't like me back.

I'm starting to ramble here. So, here's the last bit of my shpeal and I'll try to wrap this up. I'm tired of people not liking me. I do everything I'm supposed to. I play the stupid games that everyone plays. I don't want to see everyone around me happy and me just smiling pretending I'm happy for them when I'm not.

Michael C. Hall is so gorgeous.

I've been wanting to be really deep lately...

...ahhh I got nothing!

There's something very relieving in the end of school. I know it stereotypical of pretty much everyone who attends school but...I'm so glad it's over. I'm only sad that I've got classes on the 24...it's coming back so fast!

The TaLK office in Chicago sent all of our info (Carlie, Caitlin and I) to Seoul. We've decided that's a good omen. After all, if they didn't like us in Chicago, we don't think it would have sent our info off to Korea...so good stuff!

Video games and dead television serious are the primary element in my life these days. Living with Carlie and Caitlin...I thought I'd be hanging out with them more...I guess seeing each other all the time makes hanging out sort of droll so we don't actually see each other that often. It kind of makes me laugh how much I try to talk to them at home and how bored I can tell they are that I'm there! :P

Buuuut I'm taking a trip to Hutch this weekend which I hope will give us all a break. I miss some friends back home and I'm excited to see them...except that I said I'd hang out with Michael Friday but I'll be leaving then...I totally forgot! Haha! Oh well, he won't read this so no big deal.

I hope I've got a job lined up for me when I get back...but I've got first day of classes on Monday...:/ I'm not totally excited to be taking Algebra at 8:00 A.M. MTWTR but...what do you do. I need to graduate. That and I've got art appreciation online. Ew.

I've noticed this is the first blog I've made in a while...and how utterly pointless and fucking boring it is...man I need to get a life! :)

In the mean time...I'm going to go watch Six Feet Under. Michael C. Hall is so gorgeous.

Distasteful

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Neither do I mean to sound pityful or like I'm shoving guilt off of me. As I've grown older I've learned to realize I cant take 100% of the blame for everything. Most occurances have some amount of anothers blame.

I won best actor. Great. I'm really proud of myself for that. It's really not a big deal, it's just the Anna plays, but I'm glad that for once I got some recognition for the reason I actually came to Independence Community College. After the show Jon told me that, seeing my work, he was sad that I hadn't stuck with the theatre program and congratulated me on what I'd done. At the time I smiled and thanked him and laughed a little to get across that I was happy. However, I was quite sick to my stomach.

It's not that I wasn't happy I won the award. It's that, after I'd changed my degree path twice, after I had worked my ass off auditioning for him only to ever be turned down or given a role without any words, is when he decides that he could actually use me. It's thanks to him I don't enjoy theatre. It's thanks to Peter I don't enjoy theatre. It's thanks to Kelly I don't enjoy music. They made it work. They made it a hassle. They made me form a distaste in my mouth at the minor thought of performing.

It was primarily a spur of the moment, shred of luck that I was even performing for the Anna plays. I was thinking of doing it, but when I was cast I was thinking of quiting. It wasn't utill I saw that I was playing in a very beautiful show that I decided to stick with it. Not only was I appalled at Jon, but so was I at Karissa for coming up to me and telling me a good job and that she couldn't remember me acting before that moment. Seriously, it wasn't because I didn't want to.

Their compliments only made me sick. I could have done without the award honestly. Theatre should be about the art...about making something worth watching...not about a competition. These warped perceptions of teachers who haven't performed in their field of study professionally for 10+ years aren't the kind of education I needed. I came to Independence to perform and instead at it beaten out of me. I'm glad it happened here though. Here was the best place for me to change my mind.