Distasteful

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Neither do I mean to sound pityful or like I'm shoving guilt off of me. As I've grown older I've learned to realize I cant take 100% of the blame for everything. Most occurances have some amount of anothers blame.

I won best actor. Great. I'm really proud of myself for that. It's really not a big deal, it's just the Anna plays, but I'm glad that for once I got some recognition for the reason I actually came to Independence Community College. After the show Jon told me that, seeing my work, he was sad that I hadn't stuck with the theatre program and congratulated me on what I'd done. At the time I smiled and thanked him and laughed a little to get across that I was happy. However, I was quite sick to my stomach.

It's not that I wasn't happy I won the award. It's that, after I'd changed my degree path twice, after I had worked my ass off auditioning for him only to ever be turned down or given a role without any words, is when he decides that he could actually use me. It's thanks to him I don't enjoy theatre. It's thanks to Peter I don't enjoy theatre. It's thanks to Kelly I don't enjoy music. They made it work. They made it a hassle. They made me form a distaste in my mouth at the minor thought of performing.

It was primarily a spur of the moment, shred of luck that I was even performing for the Anna plays. I was thinking of doing it, but when I was cast I was thinking of quiting. It wasn't utill I saw that I was playing in a very beautiful show that I decided to stick with it. Not only was I appalled at Jon, but so was I at Karissa for coming up to me and telling me a good job and that she couldn't remember me acting before that moment. Seriously, it wasn't because I didn't want to.

Their compliments only made me sick. I could have done without the award honestly. Theatre should be about the art...about making something worth watching...not about a competition. These warped perceptions of teachers who haven't performed in their field of study professionally for 10+ years aren't the kind of education I needed. I came to Independence to perform and instead at it beaten out of me. I'm glad it happened here though. Here was the best place for me to change my mind.