"Tell me something...why is it that I can NEVER make up my mind. I've made so many decisions and sometimes I just wonder why in the world I made them! I still have no idea what I'm doing and am pretty sure that my mind is still liable to change despite how sure I try to trick myself into thinking I am. Does anyone else feel this way? Can I blame it on youth? So many questions and regrettably they will remain unanswered. *sigh* I'm getting too deep aren't I?"
Above is the status update I had tried to put on facebook but it was too many characters long. As such I thought it to be a brilliant idea to put it on my blog instead. Don't judge me, just run with it.
I AM going to get too deep here. You know what, it's my blog so I'm entitled to at least that with this thing. Am I right? Bother...
Lately I've felt like I've realized I'm kind of tired with myself. The way I act, the way I treat others (not negatively mind you. Just the way I react to others mostly), the way I speak, my disregard for the fact that some things are really going to appall people so I really should learn to think before I (insert verb here).
Basically, my life shouldn't be spent making others happy (though that should be a important as well. We're all going through life and it's difficult so the way I see it, why make it harder?) or making people like you. If someone likes someone, they like them. There really isn't much one can do about it is there?
I've annoyed myself so many times in the past few years. I think I'm leaps and bounds from my very childish, self-centered (does me admitting this make me self-centered? Oh the questions) adolescent counterpart that was my teenage self. Even so, I feel like my adult self isn't going to get anywhere (or many friends) if I can't learn to just chill out. I need to learn to enjoy my own company and space. I need to learn that I don't have to include everyone in all of my personal information (I get waaay to graphic sometimes O.o). Some things should just be private. As well I need to learn to take a joke, which I feel I've gotten extensively better at doing.
Recently I decided I would throw out about half of my wardrobe and start afresh with a different kind of look. I wanted desperately to be punk. You know, big boots, loud, over-designed graphic t's, crazy hair and piercings, and tight pants. Haha! Wow. I've realized now, maybe because I had my two-decades-old-birthday, that that really just isn't me. I shouldn't try so hard to be something that just isn't me.
Perhaps the whole clothes swap idea stems from my urge to just be a better person. I want to be genuine and honest and stop lying to myself and the people around me. Self-realizations aside, I have a newfound, overwhelming desire to be unapologetically me. I want to stop giving in to people when I have no desire to be included in what they are doing. I want to stop merely trying fit in in anyway possible, even if that means disregarding the feelings and morals of others. I just want more than anything, to grow up and start acting my age.
With all of this proclaiming and such, I'm even questioning what I want to do (yet again. Geeze!) with my college career. What do I really want to do when I "grow up"? And do I want to stay in Korea any longer to see if it will help.
It's cheesey but I guess I was one of those guys at orientation who came to Korea to find out who they are. It really is Teach and LEARN in Korea. So cliché. Heaven knows I didn't come here to teach (though it really is growing on me. The children are so precious!).
All of these questions and new choices and revelations and I'm pretty sure my brain is going to burst. Luckily, I don't think I have much to worry about. I just need to sit back, take a chill pill and zone out and let thing play out how they'll play. It's just sad that life is more like Wizard chess and nothing like the ordinary sort (I'm just going to pat myself on the back for the Harry Potter reference. My life is Harry Potter). :D
And now with my brilliant exeunt flopped by my incessant need to explain myself (why can't I just let a joke be!?) I'm off to an early sleep for an early morning rise. I can't do anything else for sure in my life but greet the sun.
You should live for yourself and not care (tho to a certain extend it's difficult not to) about what other people think, or how they perceive you. Being someone who has a very high pride and who worries a lot about people's perception of myself, I am very not qualified to give you this piece of advice. It's not cheesy that you came here to find yourself. I'm sure most people came for the same reason but they either don't know it, or don't want to admit it. The truth is, noone really knows who they are or what they are capable of. We impose ourselves so many limits and boundaries because of 1) other people's opinions 2) society's general expectations 3) values and thoughts we have learnt about since we were kids but that may not apply to who we are inside but whom we assume are right because we were told so by elders, friends, people.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, no1, 2 and 3 are exactly the same thing. We base off so many things on external point of views and forget to really ask ourselves "What is it that *I* want?".
You can be anything that you want. You can act the way you want. You can become whatever you believe you can become. As long as you do it to appease yourself, not others. And the people who like you, respect you, care about you will always support and appreciate your presence no matter what you choose. Because that's what "your real people" will always do for you. And let's be honest: f*** the others. That was longer than I expected, sorry if I sound like I'm rambling... but I feel I can understand the thinking you're going through and the only piece of advice I can give you is... Do what you feel is right and in the end things will be okay.
Well my darling, at the risk of sounding like the leader of AA "the first step is admitting you have a problem" not that I think you have a problem, just that if you see something in yourself that you don't like then you have the ability to change it. I swear you aren't the same person you were yesterday and you won't be the same tomorrow, and we all have those moments of "oh my God, I am such a douche" so don't feel to self-deprecating.
ReplyDeleteThough I find that often times it is the things that you don't like about yourself that other people love about you. I don't like being cynical and sarcastic but people are frequently telling me the like it. Coincidentally it is the same reason that people don't like me! So maybe it is the people who embrace you for who you are that are really important, and screw the rest.
And remember I am quite fond of you, so that must count for something!