I hate investing myself. I think I do so well in avoiding it until I finally look and realize I’ve been doing it the entire time. The most aggravating part of it is that I don’t realize till it hurts me that I notice I’m reaching out for nothing but air.
Maybe I read to far into things. I believe much truth can be said in jest. I believe that it really is the little things that define the big things. When pushed up into a corner, we’ll do what we have to to appear nice, or understanding, or a good person, when we aren’t. Not a single person isn’t selfish. Not a single person isn’t looking out for their own ass.
And I guess there isn’t anything wrong with that. To keep ourselves from hurting we do what we can to avoid a situation. It’s just so teeth grindingly, misty eye inducingly upsetting to realize you only have yourself to rely on. In the end, if everyone left and didn’t look back, the only person I can guarantee would be there for me is myself.
I’m not trying to demean my friends at all. I know that they mean the best for me. But everyone, including myself, get’s caught up in life. Who want’s to be tied down by some stupid individual? Who want’s to let their actions be determined by the care for another? It’s fun for a while, but I guess it get’s old.
I don’t know what I want to do after I graduate from my two year. I don’t know what is going to make me happy. I don’t know what will change me in positive ways and what wont. But possibly the most degrading thing about it is being accused of following someone on whatever choice I make. Even if I was, it’s my choice to make. If it’s a mistake, let me learn it. If it’s not, let me enjoy it.
But I have to figure it out fast. Deadlines are coming up and I need to have fall backs for whatever it is I do.
Wow, my blogs have been kind of Debbie downer-ish. :D I guess it’s easier to express myself negatively then positively. Here, I’ll make a promise. I’ll write about positives when I don’t have to worry so much about negatives. What can I say, I’m a pessimist at heart. ;)
I love you. I actually disagree with a lot of this blog. I actually believe that there are unselfish people. People who genuinely give a shit about other people with no expectation of getting anything in return. That might make me naive, but I don't care.
ReplyDeleteI Also think that it is your job to make you happy, not because there aren't other people willing to make you happy, but because the only way to find true happiness comes from within, not from without.
I think you can love someone and want the bast for them without that meaning that you lose yourself to that relationship. It's a delicate balance.
As for you college decisions, do what you want, baby. Your friends are just trying to help you see both sides of the decision (at least I am) but ultimately it's up to you, and I agree. you should be able to make your own mistakes and enjoy making them.
I love you so much. I'm sorry I live on the other side of the world. I'm never quite sure if I stalk you too much or not enough. I want you to know every second that I love you and that I'm here for you in any way I can be.
I get a little discouraged by your pessimism. I really like to be optimistic about life and the things ahead and the people around me, so I'm not sure quite how to relate to it. I'm not sure if being more optimistic helps or just annoys you. It's also hard to be optimistic for the both of us...
The bottom line is that I love you more than I can possibly say. I'm so so happy for you that you and Brandon are doing well, and I think that whatever decisions you make, your life is gonna be amazing because you're amazing. <3
TG
I've had a lot of similar thoughts, Steven, and I have to agree that nobody isn't self-serving. The thing about relationships is that they are fun, but they also take work. In life there are going to be obstacles, people will grow closer or more distant, changes will be made. In order to stay close with someone, you have to want it and work at it, and sometimes even that desire changes. Whatever choice you make there will be positives and negatives, and since you will have to weigh those yourself you cannot be thought to follow someone. It will be your own choice.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna stop wanting you to go to Korea with me, though. :p