A fire burns in my heart.
It’s stifling. Brimming. Incandescent.
And yet it shines on no one.
I’m but a kindle vessel, baking in to out.
Steam escapes me like a smokers cough
and I hack and hack into my hand.
Tears rolling down smolder cheeks from it
slicing divots: a red, red path
ending in a torrent for the tongue,
lapped up ceaselessly.
A waterfall that gurgles to the gut
and sizzles on that fire.
Evaporated.
And
started
again.
I think that falling in love is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. Once you fall in love you can’t help it. I hate anything in my life being so out of control.
But people need love. I need love. And so I show it and I get it and that’s the end.
Love is sort of a greedy mistress. A black hole temptation for the mind. It swirls downward, downward and then we expect love to be what sustains us. Love to be what takes care of us.
No.
You take care of yourself. It’s safer that way. It’s easier that way. Trust me, you won’t realize it now but when you’re almost dead. When you’re hanging there, sighing your last I-love-you’s when you wonder who made those words up? It’s just a phrase composed randomly of 26 characters we were taught to say when we were 2. Their words attached to a meaning we can’t express. A meaning that if we could, would eat us up inside anyway, because we could never fathom how to express it but by shedding our own bodies red.
How ignorant to love.
The above is sort of a monologue that I came up with. The first was a poem.
The below is sort of thoughts I’ve been having for the past few days.
I’m sort of addicted to writing. I can’t really help it. Sometimes I get into frenzy and I spout of a whole bunch of words! I think the worst though is when I can’t find anything to write about.
But writing is the perfect stress reliever. The best high I can get sober. :)
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the human psychology and man! It’s soo cool! It just makes me wanting to be a psychologist all the more worth it.
I both enjoy and despise how indecisive I am.
Sometimes I get a little too angry, or too upset or too happy, without examining all the results that may happen afterward.
I’m so glad to have feelings. I’d rather be miserable constantly then to not have the capability of being miserable.
I feel like writing a song.
I’m reading Susan Kay’s Phantom and it kind of blows my mind.
I wish I could tell people I love them instead of hiding it because I’m afraid of what they’ll say back…
What an odd blog this was! :)
I thought it was a great blog. Words are funny because in one sense they're kind of all we have and in another they don't even come close, you know?
ReplyDeleteI love you. I think giving up that control is really hard and really scary, but is also the only way to be really free to love someone/ something/ yourself. ...It's also the best and fastest way to get your heart broken. Like most of the best things in life, Love is full of paradox...
"Words are funny because in one sense they're kind of all we have and in another they don't even come close, you know?"
ReplyDeleteWhoa, what Tabor said just blew my mind. XD It's so true!
Also, I think love is pure, it's the other emotions that get in the way and make love seem like a bad thing. But love is love, not love and jealousy, or love and heartbreak. On it's own, love is wonderful. :)
And also that it's important to let people know that you love them when you do, and it doesn't have to be through words, but some people need words for reassurance.
Also, also, also~~ How can you have so much creative energy? It's ridiculous! XDDD
Caitlin! I <3 you! You have more insight then you think...or show!
ReplyDeleteI think I understand where you're coming from. Although it may take time for me to fully understand that.
How do I hvae so much creative energy. Idk. When I'm upset or happy or sad or at any point in an extreme emotion I just feel the need to create something. So blame it on an intense emotion when I finally do get something out...unless it's a song with Carlie and then it's just cause we jammin' yo!
Tabor you always put a different spin on the way I view things. Admittedly I'm a reletively dark person when I think about everything and I think it shows in my art. I need good friends like you guys to help me not be so down and stuff. Thank you!