Have you ever had the urge to be included? What the fuck am I asking? Of course anyone who’s of the typical human mind set would seek inclusion. Well, of the typical extroverted human mind set.
I’m excruciatingly extroverted (I think). Possibly to the point of slight annoyance. I love being outspoken and not being afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people. I suppose that’s why I enjoyed acting for so long. But at the same time, I’d never want to offend anyone. I feel like sometimes my extrovertedness (totally effing made up that word) and blatantly awkward humor can be offsetting for many and possibly grate against peoples nerves. I’d like to think people enjoyed being around me for the most part.
Alas when I’m left to my own devices I make a horrible panel judge at the table, particularly when it comes to judging the things I do/the way I act towards and around other people. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a mirror by me at all times to view what everyone else sees. I think though it’s better off that way. Better for me to question it then know it. But by questioning it, I’m sure I’m incorrect (and correct) in a myriad of ways/instances.
I ache for people to want to be around me as much as I want to be around them. I want someone to miss me so badly that they have to see me immediately or they don’t know what they’ll do. I want individuals to look around, wonder why things are boring and realize it’s because I’m not there. I want for once to be asked to do something then have to be the one to ask them.
I’m sure those urges are driven by some shred of selfishness, but I can say for a fact that they are meant with earnest acceptance. I’m my own best friend because I have to be. Because on too many occasions I’ve had to rely on myself. Because I’m the one who they forgot to call, or never wanted to in the first place. Because my nights are spent in the company of school work and course books and computer screens.
And I forgive everyone because I need…something…anything…I just don’t know what it is. Let me figure it out and I’ll get back to you on that.
I think it's So natural to feel the way you do. I think it's very tricky to walk the line between always being there for people and being taken for granted by people. If they Know you'll be there no matter what, the sad truth is that they'll be much less likely to appreciate the time that you are there.
ReplyDeleteThe bottom line is this. A. I love you and always always want to be around you. I know that doesn't help, but it's still true.
B. you deserve for people to be good friends to you too, because you're pretty fucking amazing, and if people like being around you so much and like all the things you do for them and the ways you take care of them, they should pull their heads out of their asses and treat you like real friends. sorry not to sugar-coat that, but it's true. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever known. You're funny and wise and soulful and loving and if the people you're around don't realize that they need to treat you well so they don't miss out on the privilege of getting to have you around, they're fucking idiots.
:) that's all. Love you!!