Have you ever had the urge to be included? What the fuck am I asking? Of course anyone who’s of the typical human mind set would seek inclusion. Well, of the typical extroverted human mind set.
I’m excruciatingly extroverted (I think). Possibly to the point of slight annoyance. I love being outspoken and not being afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people. I suppose that’s why I enjoyed acting for so long. But at the same time, I’d never want to offend anyone. I feel like sometimes my extrovertedness (totally effing made up that word) and blatantly awkward humor can be offsetting for many and possibly grate against peoples nerves. I’d like to think people enjoyed being around me for the most part.
Alas when I’m left to my own devices I make a horrible panel judge at the table, particularly when it comes to judging the things I do/the way I act towards and around other people. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a mirror by me at all times to view what everyone else sees. I think though it’s better off that way. Better for me to question it then know it. But by questioning it, I’m sure I’m incorrect (and correct) in a myriad of ways/instances.
I ache for people to want to be around me as much as I want to be around them. I want someone to miss me so badly that they have to see me immediately or they don’t know what they’ll do. I want individuals to look around, wonder why things are boring and realize it’s because I’m not there. I want for once to be asked to do something then have to be the one to ask them.
I’m sure those urges are driven by some shred of selfishness, but I can say for a fact that they are meant with earnest acceptance. I’m my own best friend because I have to be. Because on too many occasions I’ve had to rely on myself. Because I’m the one who they forgot to call, or never wanted to in the first place. Because my nights are spent in the company of school work and course books and computer screens.
And I forgive everyone because I need…something…anything…I just don’t know what it is. Let me figure it out and I’ll get back to you on that.
