...Today...

I just got done watching Inception. It was honestly, pretty much the most bad-ass movie I seen in a really, really long time. It was well written, well thought out, well acted and had some mind-fucking special effects.

Regrettably this is all trumped by the fact that I lost my man-bag.

Hmm. Where to begin. So the past few months I have felt really shitty. I’ve felt friendless, easily aggravated, taken advantage of and really generally depressed. I understand that for a majority of these symptoms, I might have been a large benefactor in their maturity. Despite understanding and acknowledging this, it does not dismiss the fact that they have been plaguing me for a while. Maybe plaguing is too intense of a word....sigh...

To be honest, I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s not something someone want’s to hear on a day to day basis. “Hey, how are you today?” “Oh fine, just really fuckin’ depressed! How ‘bout you?” That and I hardly doubt I have anyone in my near vicinity whom I could speak about it with who wouldn’t just over look it, tell me I need to “calm down” or worse, just ignore it and look at me with that trademark awkward eyes I already get so frequently.

There I go again, investing myself too much in the people around me. But there I go again, believing that I can. I’ve just been so fucking stupid lately! In fact, very recently this feeling has been building up to the point that I can’t even be civil around people. I jump to conclusions and of course, they are the worst ones. It’s just easier to assume the worst, then anything else that may happen is probably significantly more bearable.

Where is this coming from? Perhaps it’s my attempt to “reach out”. I don’t know. It’s really been festering until tonight. Tonight when I get to see this awesome movie with friends on what is supposed to be my last fun excursion before I fly to Korea for six-months to a year, both the furthest and the longest I’ll be away from home ever. Tonight when I lose my bag. Such as stupid, insignificant thing right?

Except it wasn’t insignificant. To be honest, it wasn’t the bag itself. Sorry, I know it was a gift from Japan, but there are more on the planet and I can just shell out the cash to see another one. In fact, most of what was inside also bears little sentimental value to me. Yes, there were four inhalers inside, two of which are prescription, that would serve me well in case my asthma flares while I’m, you know, in another country where I won’t be able to easily attain those items. Still, I can deal. I’ll figure out something.

What pisses me off is I lost the most sentimental items that I own period. I keep them all on my key-chain. It’s just a combination of bad luck. I don’t ever even keep my keys in my bag, usually they are pinned to my person. But today I decided to wear a pair of shorts that have a torn belt loop on the side that I wear them, so I put them in the bag. Great.

My brothers car key was on there, the one he totaled and got a bad concussion. My first car key was on it. I fucking loved that car. Sandra’s Jeep key was on it, not that sentimental but kind of irresponsible of me to loose the key to the car that the owner is so kindly letting me borrow. My really good friend Tabor gave me a charm that had her name on it. It’s from a German town named after her and I would have to go to that town to retrieve and replacement. My cousin’s string was tied to it, the one I had a bad falling out with and haven’t apologize yet. And of course, Chad’s wrestling medallion is on it, the one he told me never to lose and to return to him when I saw him next.

But I won’t see him. He’s fucking dead. Nor can I return his medallion to him, because I lost it in a fucking movie theater on a trip I hardly wanted to go on anyway. Now I’m pissed at myself for having been soon stupid as to leave it in the seat next to me when my friends weren’t satisfied with the seats I chose. I’m just so tired of being stupid, wrong and insignificant I could scream. But screaming isn’t going to help anything. Talking about it won’t help anything. And I still lost my dead friends final memento. God, I even surprise myself sometimes.

And of course in me being upset I’m sure I’ve been irrational. But you know what, I’m human. It comes with the title. I need to stop thinking it’s wrong to be so.

Sigh. I hate today. I need to sleep as soon as possible.