Vlog!

Got a new Vlog up! Here's a link to the vid. (Edit: I put another one up. Here)

I've decided I kind of like youtube. I've had a channel for a really long time but it was mostly just so I could view videos. Now I believe uploading videos is quite an enjoyable pass time.

However, my videos aren't terribly interesting, unlike my friend ktishme who has pretty fascinating (at the very least) videos and numerous more subscribers than I do.

Money is such an aggravating thing...or more so the lack there of. I really would love to buy some better recording equipment for my computer, but I just can't afford it. In fact I had to buy a pair of $50 running shoes that suck when I wanted to buy $80-$100 shoes that would have been so much better on my feet...but alas I'm broke...especially after buying the shoes I COULD afford. *sigh*

So I promise that soon I will have good videos up...but for now they have to be ones of me singing acapella and boring Vlogs...but I did figure out how to edit my Vlogs so I can make them a tad more captivating.

On a side note, just about me, my life is in shambles. I just got done with the William Inge Theatre Festival in which my life was metaphorically (thank got no literally) raped in a corner by the festival heads. I had SO much to do. Also, I'm in a 10 + minute show...I know, easy, except that we had 3 weeks to rehearse and one week we didn't for the festival. It's fine for me, but I'll be pissed if no one knows their lines. I HATE acting off people who can't get their lines.

So, after this week I can return to my wonderful life of friends, Glee, Lost, American Idol, Korean Lessons, and NOT work. The end is near!

Then finals and more summer classes. Joy.

I hope I find out from TaLK soon whether I'm going or not. I ought to plan on K-State if I'm not...:/

Anyway. I wrote a poem pretty recently. Read it if you're interested. It's about a person from ICC who's leaving. My English professor wanted me to write it so I thought, why not? It's a villanelle and is in iambic pentameter. I'm pretty proud of it.

I'm reading it at open mic night. Kinda nervous....and I'm playing moonlight sonata...double nervous...O.o...

I've been wondering recently just how many people actually read these blogs...and I don't think it's many. It's funny how undeniably self-indulgent writing a blog is. It's like writing a journal for everyone to read...and yet no one really does. Oh well, on I forge through literary strife and struggle!

Steven

Because I Have To

I updated my status on facebook last night after I had become disheveled from a minor tussle with a friend of mine. I said, I'm going to be happy dammit! I wrote it so that, more or less, when I got back on I could remind myself to be happy, not that I was resolved to be that way. What was great was later on when a friend of mine who I regrettably haven't seen in a long time left me this really great message: Its all a state of mind, who you are not what you have (or don't have). If you need something to make you happy you will never achieve it. You have to find it in yourself and then no one can take it away from you. - Narissa Harrison.

She's really right. It left me with a good understanding of how simple and difficult being happy can be. Quite usually my unhappiness isn't caused as much by others as it is by my own self. I'm going to be raw here, I disappoint myself. I always want to be smarter, to think before I speak. I feel like I suck at being a good friend. I don't like letting people down. usually though, its my own fault that there's anything the matter.

Earlier I was reading a friends (I guess maybe I shouldn't call him a friend. He doesn't regard me as such)blog and couldn't help realizing that some of its content was about me...and trust me it wasn't at all good. I really got down on myself afterwards and I wasn't sure why. I guess no one likes knowing that they hurt someone.

I think that I'm merely reiterating myself when I say I've made a lot of mistakes. I constantly DO make a lot of mistakes. To be fair, I have plenty of personality flaws. The thing is, I'm tired of letting them determine how I act. It comes down to weather I'd like to be an image of my personality, or take control of it.

I put my foot down today. Through a message to another separate friend, I stopped a bunch of nonsense that I didn't need to be a part off. It's MY fault I keep effing up my relationships...I'm going to take the fall on that one. Now I'm going to consciously work on not being a prick. Being a prick, it worked in high school...now I need to grow up. I'm going to need to get beyond that and be the kind and honest person I am.

Jesus, I sound so fucking inspirational right now. I myself am physically gagging :). That doesn't make everything I've said untrue though. One other thing I think I'm going to do...stop beating myself up for those mistakes. I'm not proud of them. They show exactly how much of a dick I've been in the past, but without them I wouldn't have the desire to be better now. I wouldn't be nearly the person I am now without every single mistake I've made. I'm not sorry for making the mistake, but I'm sorry for making any pain along the way. Trust me, it's painful for me to look back on too...

I may not be able to outwardly apologize to everyone I've ever come across that I've wronged, but I hope that they could take a chance to maybe give me another go around. I've recently contemplated the accusatory phrase,"How can you live with yourself!" I think I've come up with an adequate response. Simple because I have to. This is all I've got. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I've got to work with.

Either way, I'm going to be happy...if nothing else but because I have to.

My Working Out Angst

When immediate gratification isn't met promptly for me, I get frustrated. I'm just that stereotypical kind of young person who has been so used to instant gratification that if I don't see it in most instances I get flustered.

Working out is such a tiring endeavor. What's more is that I've been doing it for one and half years roughly and I'm still not at my ideal physical appearance. Yes, I'm significantly fitter than I was before I began working out. Yes, I feel healthier than I did. What does it take to get where I want?

I've tried a lot of things. I feel like I'm at the gym for about 1/3 of my day, which is entirely ridiculous. Plus all of this lifting doesn't seem to read too much on my body. Though I'm increasing weight and doing more reps and concentrating on being slow and keeping good form, my body is still as flimsy appearing as ever. There is no definition. It's so disheartening and makes me want to give up soooo much.

That and when I'm tired during the day, going to the gym is the last thing I want to do...but I go. Even when I am dreading it as I'm driving, I suck it up and just do it, try to zone out as much as I can while I doing repetitive, ad nauseum workouts.

I just wish I didn't have to try. I wish I was one of those people who had a fantastic metabolism and never had to try to be skinny. I wish I was so gorgeous people would always double take.

My choir teacher told me once that once you get to be about 30 you gain a new understanding of yourself and you grow to appreciate yourself just how you are. I wish that I would get that now...or else wake up looking smokin' tomorrow.

The Dangers of Epilation...dun dun duuuun

(Edit: This blog is primarily for educational purposes. I'm in no way saying DON'T BUY THIS PRODUCT. I'm just informing those perspective buyers of what I wasn't aware of before I myself purchased it. Before you decide if you want to buy, I recommend you get all the way through this blog first. I talk about it's up's and downs.)

I'm a peculiarly a vain individual... especially when it comes to the regarding fact that I am a man. Now, my friend Caitlin bought this device called an Epilator. It sounds like some sort of doomsday device (and in many ways it is) but in fact, it is a device used to rapidly twease a certain area of your body (hence the prefix epi - upon [which actually originates from the word epidermis, which is skin] and ate - which literally means to become eradicated. The prefix I think should be chaeto - meaning hair and end with ate forming the word Chaetolator...but alas). Unfortunately the inadvertent name which at first understanding would seem incorrect lives entirely up to that devilish name.

Being a poor college student has it's perks, like free food from pitying semi-wealthy adults and the use of certain facilities that aren't yours, but it has it's downs...such as the word POOR in the phrase poor college student. An Epilator costs about $40 and can be used repeatedly whereas a wax costs about the same but has to be done about once a month. In essence, I was attempting to save money.

This essentially, is a blog to inform any other male users of the product (which I don't doubt there are numerous of them...well at least more than what we think) of the downsides and upsides of purchasing an Epilator. I figured, hey, I'll be THAT guy who steps out and admits to having sensible hair hygiene and grooming practices and for any of you other scared men who don't want to admit it, here's some info for you before you discretely purchase your own handy dandy bright pink (because even the manufacturers believe men won't use it...*shaking my head*) Epilator.

My first point: Price. If you're someone who can afford a wax once a month, DO IT. It's way less painful, trust me. Yeah, both ways involve a lot of pain, but at least in a wax it's over in a few seconds. An Epilator tweases hairs individually as you go, so it's quite continuous. In lamens terms, it hurts like a mother fucker! I was literally grinding my teeth, grimacing, yelling and sweating from the pain. It was undoubtedly the worst pain I've ever inflicted on myself.

If you can't afford waxing once a month but still desperately want that smooth, hairless skin, then buy it. Just keep in mind you have to have a HIGH pain tolerance and tenacity to keep going...and possibly a stick to put in your mouth to keep from screaming.

Now, you've bought it. You get it out of the box, plug it in and get at it. My recommendations on the actual removal of hair continues this blog.

Start from the bottom and work up. If you're particularly thick haired or have a lot of it...sorry my friend, you're going to cry. Luckily, I'm not terribly bushy (phew). Make long passes. I know it hurts and it's hard to leave it on for even a second, let alone the ten it will take to get up the side of your leg, but grin and bear it. It's way better to slowly rake it across the skin then quickly. It hardly gets any strands that way and you just prolong your pain by going over it repeatedly. No, just make one, long, agonizing sweep, wipe the sweat from your brow, and continue.

TAKE YOUR TIME! I can't urge you enough. Have minnnie cry sessions in between strokes. Breath and grown for a bit...but don't get in a hurry. You miss stuff and then you have to go all back over it again.

The worst spots are tender spots. The back of the knee (where it bends) the stomach, in between the pecks, inside of the leg and toes are the worst spots. It took me an hour to get up to my knees. Another hour on my stomach and chest. If it takes the span of a few days, that's okay...I can hardly last more than 30 minutes anymore at a time with this thing.

THE ADVANTAGES: Trust me, you'll want to know this. It's the only way you may really consider this product.

Once you've done it once, it will never be that painful again. The hair will grow back slowly and much thinner then before. As long as you re-epilate yourself on a regular basis, it's 100% more bearable. Yeah, there will the the occasional tug on certain hairs and it will sting a bit, but nothing compared to the self mutilation you endured the first time you used it...and it lasts for about a month at a time so it's totally doable.

A FEW TIPS: I read of a few tips that may help with the pain.

If you get a water proof Epilator, using it in the shower apparently reduces some of the friction and tug you get. This doesn't mean it won't hurt.

Lather yourself up and be clean before you do it.

Trim longer hair to a reasonable length. If it's too long the tweasing heads have trouble catching the hair and instead tug painfully on the hair without removing it.

If you can afford it, get a full wax the first time. Then, from then on if you use the Epilator, it will never hurt so bad and you can maintain hairless skin.

WARNING:

First of all IT FUCKING HURTS!

Second, bleeding may occur on particularly tough hair (these areas include near the pubic region [I don't recommend using an Epilator on the pubic region. You should just use a good ol' fashioned razor for that shit], chest, stomach and underarms. As the hair is pulled away it causes the poor to bleed sometimes. But don't be distraught, it's normal and hardly noticeable and will go away in a few days.

Third, the first time you use it, I can guarantee you will get what appears to be a razor burn, that's only on certain areas of the chest - stomach and upper leg/thigh and possibly underarm (I don't epilate my underarms and arms so...go experiment if you dare). It caused from the massive aggravation you're causing on the surface of your skin. Don't be distraught however. It will heal and go away in a few days and will either come back smaller and smaller until it doesn't show up or won't return at all. Just gotta give it time.

Forth, be sure you're very clean. Since bleeding can occur, it's possible to get infected by staph (everyone has staph on their skin at all times anyway, so BE CAREFUL).

And that concludes my blog on the dangers of epilation. If you're a girl, you hardly have as much to worry about since your hair naturally grows in finer. If your'e a boy, buy the product...if you dare!

Get Comfortable

Contrary to popular belief, you will not turn gay if you accidentally touch me. No, you cannot 'catch the gay' so you don't have to go to such lengths to avoid me. I've never understood one's capacity of retaining ignorance and immaturity. Something I always figured (and perhaps I was wrong to figure it) is that we do this awesome thing called, grow up. As we mature we are supposed to grow out of common misconceptions and false allegations. We ought to be able to construe with the processes of our own brains what is right and wrong, correct and false, blah, blah, blah etc. ad nauseum.

There are those select few (or maybe I mean many) that seem to exist outside of the perimeters of my conscious understanding. Those people who find me physically revolting only because of this simple, unchanging and undecided factor: I'm gay.

I'm not complaining. Sure, it'd be great to like women so that I wouldn't be a sore splinter sticking out of society's thumb, but regrettably homosexuality is not a decided thing. Don't believe me? Go to the American Psychologists Association's web site (www.apa.com) and search up homosexuality. Everything you find there will be CERTIFIED psychologists saying that homosexuality is not chosen by the individual and is instead a trait formed at early childhood before sexual desires originate. In other words, I was gay before I even knew it. It is a complex series of environmental and hormonal factors that cause homosexuality and it CANNOT be changed through any means.

I've accepted that I'm gay. It's simple to believe in something when you can see hard facts right in front of you. That's the way I've grown to realize I am. I'm the kind of person who hates being duped, so I'm not going to just blindly believe something until I've seen enough facts. Sorry folks.

I was inspired to write this by the fact that I'm in the midsts of getting a homosexuality speech ready for my Developmental Psychology class...and because in the past few days I've had the hint that I'm avoided because of my sexuality. It's hard not to notice when you see someone make an over exaggerated B line to keep from making contact with you.

Get comfortable with yourself. That's the only advice I can give to people who don't like gay people. We're here and we aren't going anywhere. You'll just have to get used to us. So get comfortable with your own sexuality and stop ragging on those who are. You're fucking with my chi.

A Loathing Ode to Spring

There's something serene about days like these. It's that sort of feeling where you know how the world works, how things will inevitably end that's both reasuring and terribly disheartening. It's the kind of day you wish you could freeze mid frame just so you don't have to get any older. The kind of day where you're content enough just to get by...though only just.

I wish I could cease from ever feeling like this. To me, I'd rather be oblivious to such things then deal with them. Though, I know there is some goodness to take away from having understanding. But I know of some people who just don't like dealing with things and I almost envy them.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of myself lately. Maybe it's lack of love life that gotten me down? Maybe stress from school? I'm sure it's a variety of factors sort of train wrecking together, but I try not to say anything. I think it's safer to just blog about it. No one reads this shit anyway.

I miss a lot of things. I wish they were the way that I remembered them. I wish life were easier. I wish I had money! I wish I was attractive! Oh the laments of Steven L. Rousey are sooo great :P. Perhaps the one thing I have to look forward to growing up is perhaps gaining an appreciation of myself precisely the way I am without feeling the need to change myself to feel happy.

It's spring. I'll blame it on spring. Everything around me coming to life and being happy just reminds me how unhappy I am. I need this semester to be over so I can relax and stop over thinking things. So that I can have time to breath and think and make music and smile.

On some lighter note all of my things have been sent into TaLK and now I'm just waiting on the go ahead to plan my life around a year in Korea. What a break that will be. There's something rather hopefull about living litterally on my own for a year. How liberating. I'm not sure how happy I'll be then, if at all. I guess we'll have to wait and see...:/