Because I Have To

I updated my status on facebook last night after I had become disheveled from a minor tussle with a friend of mine. I said, I'm going to be happy dammit! I wrote it so that, more or less, when I got back on I could remind myself to be happy, not that I was resolved to be that way. What was great was later on when a friend of mine who I regrettably haven't seen in a long time left me this really great message: Its all a state of mind, who you are not what you have (or don't have). If you need something to make you happy you will never achieve it. You have to find it in yourself and then no one can take it away from you. - Narissa Harrison.

She's really right. It left me with a good understanding of how simple and difficult being happy can be. Quite usually my unhappiness isn't caused as much by others as it is by my own self. I'm going to be raw here, I disappoint myself. I always want to be smarter, to think before I speak. I feel like I suck at being a good friend. I don't like letting people down. usually though, its my own fault that there's anything the matter.

Earlier I was reading a friends (I guess maybe I shouldn't call him a friend. He doesn't regard me as such)blog and couldn't help realizing that some of its content was about me...and trust me it wasn't at all good. I really got down on myself afterwards and I wasn't sure why. I guess no one likes knowing that they hurt someone.

I think that I'm merely reiterating myself when I say I've made a lot of mistakes. I constantly DO make a lot of mistakes. To be fair, I have plenty of personality flaws. The thing is, I'm tired of letting them determine how I act. It comes down to weather I'd like to be an image of my personality, or take control of it.

I put my foot down today. Through a message to another separate friend, I stopped a bunch of nonsense that I didn't need to be a part off. It's MY fault I keep effing up my relationships...I'm going to take the fall on that one. Now I'm going to consciously work on not being a prick. Being a prick, it worked in high school...now I need to grow up. I'm going to need to get beyond that and be the kind and honest person I am.

Jesus, I sound so fucking inspirational right now. I myself am physically gagging :). That doesn't make everything I've said untrue though. One other thing I think I'm going to do...stop beating myself up for those mistakes. I'm not proud of them. They show exactly how much of a dick I've been in the past, but without them I wouldn't have the desire to be better now. I wouldn't be nearly the person I am now without every single mistake I've made. I'm not sorry for making the mistake, but I'm sorry for making any pain along the way. Trust me, it's painful for me to look back on too...

I may not be able to outwardly apologize to everyone I've ever come across that I've wronged, but I hope that they could take a chance to maybe give me another go around. I've recently contemplated the accusatory phrase,"How can you live with yourself!" I think I've come up with an adequate response. Simple because I have to. This is all I've got. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I've got to work with.

Either way, I'm going to be happy...if nothing else but because I have to.