My Philosophy on Friendship...O.o

I can't stand that feeling when you know you've done something wrong and you feel helpless to fix it. Like...there's only so much you can say or do till it's really out of your power and up to the other person to forgive and let go.

I guess everyone needs time to sort things out. Me personally, I just have trouble gaging how long someone needs to get over something.

This intense feeling of embarrassment surges through me whenever I act the way I've always acted around that person and they are cold to it. I'm a fun, out-going, loud person generally most of the time, and so when I get the cold shoulder after trying to be that way I feel ridiculous for being that way and then feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Passive-aggressiveness is really what urkes me. If you want to be mad, that's fine. If you don't want to talk to me for a while, I understand and I'm totally willing to give you space. But there's something about beating around the bush, going behind my back, and just ignoring my attempts at an apology that doesn't seem right to me. Punish me if you need to, but not like that. Those things aren't ever okay, even if I've made you mad.

I took a test online (which says something for it's possible validity) recently that I think put my personality into perspective for me. Now, I know this thing isn't the be-all, end-all of my issues, but it's a good healthy dose of reality when you realize that you are somewhat selfish. I think I've had this talk before, but everyone's somewhat selfish. I want my friends to pay attention to me and to regard me highly. In a way that is rather selfish. I get offended easily because I don't like to appear weak. I HATE appearing weak, so that in a way is also selfish.

Appearing weak can come in many different ways. It doesn't mean just crying or opening up to your friends...but also being angry towards them. I hate it when it comes down to bitching out someone I care a lot about. But I have limitations, I have boundaries, and I have grains that ought to be rubbed the right way. Usually I feel I handle these well. I drop arguments that I don't need to have or I ignore when someone has hurt my feelings or disregarded me because they don't realize they did it. Despite my distaste for being the one to say it, I'll say the negative thing if I feel I'm the only one who will...and it will be politely...unless you're rude.

What I'm saying is, I'm not perfect. I wish I was. I wish all of my friends thought I was so amazing that they wanted to be around me all the time and thought I was funny and smart. But I'm not that guy. That doesn't keep me from trying to be as kind as I can be, and as long as you're my friend, I promise that I'll be a great friend. I'll do what I can to make things easier for you when I'm around and I don't need anything except your time, affection and attention...but there has to be mutual respect, it can't be one sided and ungrateful.

"Friendship is a single soul, dwelling within two bodies," - Aristotle. Who said the bodies had to get along :P. "Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's warmth," - Unknown. - Umm, pee on me?...I'm not sure what I'm getting at here anymore. I love you guys, my friends, despite our differences, no matter what. Let's just leave it at that :).

\O-O/

I can't stand being around people who refuse to make the best out of a situation. People who can't be at least somewhat optimistic about the place their in or try to at least enjoy themselves. What's even possibly more revolting is finding out that a friend would rather be in a different place, disregarding the new friends they have made or the memories they have made where they're at, to go back to somewhere they used to be.

I'm definitely not from Kansas. Do you think I don't want to go back to Washington everyday I wake up to flat boring fucking Kansas!? Of course I'd love to go home. But I don't complain about being in Kansas. I don't tell all of my friends (more or less) that I'd rather ditch them and go home then stay with them making the best I can out of what I have laid before me.

In the end it's been better for me coming here. While I'm sure I would have figured out who I was in WA, I wouldn't be the person I am without the plains of good ol' Kansas impressed upon me. I could have been far worse if I had stayed in WA. And so I thank whatever higher power that things happened the way they happened, that I have the friends I have, and that I can't change what has been done.

But there's something that grates me oh so wrong about someone you'd consider a friend showing absolutely no remorse about the prospect of leaving you and never seeing you again! I'd love to go back to WA, but I'd feel terrible leaving my friends. It doesn't mean I wouldn't go, but it just means it would make it that much harder to leave.

There's something that really sinks your heart about finding out exactly how appreciated you are. You say one thing wrong and you're ignored and treated like shit for days. You do everything you can to accost and make someone feel loved and the moment you speak your mind you are made to feel shame. It's the little things that help you know how much you count. The way a person acts can be read easily if you open your eyes and try. People obsess themselves with technology and forget that we are physical, sexual, body-language-reading creatures. Everything can be read in a comment, in a look, in an action, without the use of exact verbalization. So don't tell me you care about me unless you mean it or I'm blind. I may need glasses but I can still see just fine.

Surviving the Fray

So I'm sitting here, waiting for my TaLK interview. I'm actually not nervous at all. If I get accepted, I'm accepted. If not, then not. Either they'll like me or not. I can't possibly do anything to sway their hand or make them like me. That and maybe it's cause I have a back-up plan that I'm not really stressing about it. Who knows?

I sent a message to an old friend the other day to apologize for the way I've been. I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry until it's useless and the other individual just has to get over the fact that, yes, at one time I was a dick. I did something wrong. However I believe I learn from all of the mistakes I've made. I'm not sorry that I made the mistake, it makes me who I am, but I'm sorry for the people that inevitable were required for me to hurt for me to learn those lessons. I've been hurt by others mistakes, but I try very hard to be open minded and forgiving. Don't hold grudges. Don't dredge up past angst. Go through life head forward and not looking back.

People's actions change but I'm not sure people themselves change. I think that I've always been a good person. I am. I'm not even going to second guess myself or feel egotistical, I'm a good person. Yes, some of my actions in the past have been rather less revealing of that trait, but I would never act now the way I did when I was younger.

I'm not old by any means. I don't think that I've learned everything. But I have learned that learning is entirely life long...and that things fluctuate and differ as life moves on.

I don't hate anyone, and there isn't anyone who I think doesn't deserve a fair and second chance. I can't hold anything against anyone when I've got my own baggage to deal with. But I won't be around someone who won't grant me an opportunity to redeem myself. It's just unhealthy on both of our parts. And though it may hurt us greatly in doing so, blame me then if that's what it takes to survive it...but I can assure you, survive it you will.

Welp, now for my interview. After that piece of insight I hope I'll get some good juju and have a good meeting. Then I'm off to Disney World! ...I'll fill you in on that at a later date! :)

The origins of Hoity-Toity

Meaning

Pretentiously self-important, haughty or pompous.

Origin

Many dictionaries also give a second meaning, that is, given to frivolity, silliness or riotousness. That was the original meaning of this term, but has now almost completely died out. Our view of what is hoity-toity now is defined by the 'looking down the nose' manner adopted by characters like Lady Bracknell, as performed by Dame Edith Evans, in the stage and film versions of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

These days we hardly expect to hear lager louts described as hoity-toity. The two meanings of the term aren't as far apart as it might seem though and one seems to have migrated from the other. The frivolousness/riotousness meaning was first recorded in Sir Roger L'Estrange's 1668 translation of The visions of Don Francisco de Quevedo Villegas:

"The Widows I observ'd ... Chanting and Jigging to every Tune they heard, and all upon the Hoyty-Toyty, like mad Wenches of Fifteen."

The later meaning isn't seen until around mid to late 18th century and is recorded in O'Keefe's Fontainebleau in 1784:

"My mother ... was a fine lady, all upon the hoity-toities, and so, good for nothing."

As with many reduplicated phrases, one word carries an existing meaning and the other is present for emphasis. In this case the earlier meaning of the term came from the word hoit. This is a now defunct verb meaning to indulge in riotous, noisy mirth. That in turn was formed from hoyden - a boorish clown or rude boisterous girl.

The change from one meaning to the other seems to be due to the pronunciation of hoity as heighty and the subsequent allusion to highness or haughtiness. Two 18th century dictionaries give intermediate forms:

B.E's A new dictionary of the terms ancient and modern of the canting crew, circa 1700 - "Hightetity, a Ramp or Rude Girl."

Francis Grose's A classical of the vulgar tongue, 1785 "Heighty toity, a hoydon, or romping girl."

See also - other reduplicated phrases.

See also - hoi polloi.

As taken from:

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/hoity-toity.html - (I thought that it was really interesting reading about where hoity-toity came from. I love the English language and how it evolves over time!)

You know something I can't stand? The possessed traits defined by being hoity-toity. There is absolutely no need to look down your nose at others and think you are better then them. Here's a pointer for anyone who gets confused and does it: stop and remember that we're all humans and we all do the same exact things. We eat. We drink. We fuck. We pee. We poop. We fart. We die. We become dust. The end (hopefully not explicitly in that order).

We won't get anywhere in life if we focus on judging everyone else. If someone wants to make a comment, let them! It's their voice! They can use it when they want, how they want. If you don't like what they have to say, you have these great things I like to call feet. Walk away. Leave it alone. Go masturbate in a corner. It's all much more relevant and useful then raising your nose into the air and vomiting useless garble. Everyone has their own opinions and if they're set in their ways, trust me, they aren't going to ever change. Just accept it.

I'm a hypocrite. Admitting it doesn't make it okay I guess, but you know what, I don't care. I'm a hypocrite! And you know what, so is everyone else you will ever meet in the world. Whether it's minutely or on a grand scale, everyone is hypocritical. For instance: when I'm depressed I hate the world, and will tell people that, "I hate the world." But when I'm happy I love the world. The way we feel about things is determined by the way we feel all over.

And so I'm a hypocrite because there have been times when I've bitched someone else out for a different opinion, but usually it's because they had a differing opinion AND they were hoity-toity about it. It's okay for you to believe in a certain thing, to think something is wrong or right or whatever, but it isn't okay for you to make someone feel bad/stupid/wrong for feeling a different way then you. You can't reprimand someone for the way they believe because beliefs are made through life, through lessons learned and through experiences and you know what, not everyone has the same life/lessons learned/experiences so OF COURSE we are all going to have differing opinions.

In the end you have to believe what you want to believe. Take in what you can. If you're going to be a hoity-toity person then at the very least, accept it. Be unapologetically you. However, I can assure you that if you remain in an ever-lasting hoity-toity demeanor, you won't have many friends...me being the first scratched off that list.

Korea + a rant. Oh the workings of my brain.

I'm terribly excited for the TaLK program! Last night I was at the Shires and they showed me some youtube vid's of TaLK scholars and it seems so exciting! I cant wait to be on my own, really living life and having fun and influencing young minds!

I feel like it will be a refreshing change for my life. We're getting all of our things together (like criminal records, letters of recommendations etc.) and that part is a tad stressful. But other then that, I'm stoked. I hope I get accepted!

So I'm writing this blog in my Developmental Psychology class before class starts, and I'm witnessing something that really rubs me the wrong way.

People have so many children! And they're people who shouldn't have them. There is a ridiculously rude, loud and annoying hickish (not that being a hick is bad) woman in my class who is too naive to even take care of herself, let alone two children. Not only that but she brought them to class! It would be different I think if they were young...like babies. But they are both old enough to be in school and I don't understand why they aren't and are instead in their mothers college courses disrupting paying students.

I was dropping some eves (tehe, what a funny way to say that) and she threatened to lock her children up in the car! WTF woman! At least have some ounce of dignity to not emotionally abuse your children in front of me. God! Why do people who don't further society have children to only help breed un-sociologically intelligent individuals! These kids will grow up to be just as much of a failure as she is.

I know it's harsh of me to say all this, but I have to be honest. It makes me sick to my stomach. I wish more intelligent people would have children. I wish that there was a test you had to take to bear children so that we could possibly weed out some of the ankle-biter bad choices we have scurrying around masquerading as children!

To end, just stop having sex unintelligent people. You plague my planet. :P

It's the way it sounds...

Music is a truly beautiful and inspiring facet of my life that I am irrevocably and unchangingly grateful to. It's something that sustains without needing anything in return. Just listening to it can send me to the depths of despair and back. It can lift me till my heart hurts and welling tears are the only answer to it's reverent call.

It keeps me tame.

I thank whoever invented music for my life. Without it I'd be a standing slab of meat. I just returned from a trip to Denver, CO from a choral convention called SWACDA (South Western American Choral Directors Association) and it was so musically refreshing. I got to meet Eric Whitacre! If you don't know who that is go become a better person and listen to some of his music online. It's an ear-gasm.

I got his signature too. I'm pretty stoked about it. I've been so musically inspired in the last five days that I just don't know what to do with myself. It's so uplifting.

And I appreciate my friends so much. Not only did I spend my time with some really great people (especially Autumn and Lindsay) and get to experience the fantastic nature of a big city with them, but I got to do it while submerged in a culture derived primarily from art and music. I was a glutinous music pig gorging with my ears. But I was so excited to come home and see my other friends too. It felt like it had been ages since I'd seen them. I missed them and had withdrawals! XD

On a slightly darker note my boyfriend broke up with me right when I got back...like within the hour so it kinda popped a hole in my overwhelming bubble.

I had a rather interesting and deep conversation with my music teacher about it in the car (before he broke up with me. But somehow I could sense something was up. He hadn't talked to me the entire Denver trip even though I specifically asked him to) and I found out that she was having similar issues with her man friend...only her's were far more complex, most likely derived from the fact that they have been dating significantly longer than I had been dating mine.

It's hard to find selfless people in the world. I can't even say that I myself am entirely selfless, but I think I can say that I put myself out there and I give what I can comfortably give. I've only met a few people in my life who fall into this rather arbitrary category. It's not a requirement. It's not something that everyone has to exude all the time, but some selflessness could do a lot of people some good.

What's a little phone call to say "I'm thinking about you."? What's two seconds out of your day to comment on something of mine on facebook? When will you let go, stop worrying, and just love someone and care about them too? It's not fair to retreat into yourself, retreat into work, or life, or your faults and use it as an excuse to metaphorically say "fuck you. I'm more preoccupied with me to think about you."

It's different that I experienced that. Maybe I don't regard myself enough, but I think I can usually handle stuff like that even though it hurts so much. It hurts me more to see other people have to experience that too. I see such great people, great friends, hurting like that and it makes me so angry! No one deserves to be forgotten...especially by their significant other. I'm sorry but I will not stand by and just let them take it!

...but saying that is so stupid cause I have to let them. In the end it's kind of like music. I can't describe it to anyone, they have to hear it for themselves. They have to willingly open their ears, their eyes, and just fucking get it. But you have to wonder...are you going to be the maestro of your own life? Or will you let it be conducted by the selfish malcontent?

Life isn't about the way it looks. It's about the way it sounds. If only I had half the ounce of patience to calm myself enough to stop, close my eyes and listen.