Comedy: My Enduring Battle!

I've always wanted to be really, really funny. Like, sort of to the point that everyone always laughs whenever I speak because I'm just that fucking funny.

There are so many lengths I'll go to just to be funny.

And yet somehow I'm never as funny as I think I am!

I'm not being a downer jam, I'm being totally honest here! I think that I am really funny sometimes and then no one laughs and it sort of makes me laugh even more knowing that what I just said was so uttering bland or confusing that only I get it.

In some ways I guess it's good then that I can make myself laugh. I always think how cool it would be to have people laugh whenever I spoke, but in contrast, I'm sure it may get bothersome at times when I'm actually trying to be serious and no one ever takes me that way.

Can you imagine trying to be serious and having people cutting you off by laughter all the time? Maaan. I've had nightmares like that. Freaky.

However, I think that any of my humor, my comic relief if you will, is all centered around two very distinct and ought-to-be-kept-separate ideas/circumstances: awkwardness and sex. It's so funny to pretend that you want to fuck someone...and then in turn it turns into the most awkward feeling of your life, standing there, sniffing someone's hair or groping them on "accident".

So, all in all, I'm really funny guys...trust me. I know that at times my humor is a bit forced, or sometimes almost tooooo much, but it's because I love you and want to make you laugh. Making people laugh makes me happy...in my pants O.o.

But seriously...just laugh...I know you want to. :P

Arbitrary

I’ve just discovered this British Pop/Techno artist called La Roux. It’s a genre I’m not used to I must admit, but one that I’m quickly falling in love with. Bulletproof…man what a good song. British pop seems so much more chill and laid back and it makes me kind of happy! It’s makes me feel like I’m perpetually high (this is good, seeing as I enjoy at times being high…though maybe not all the time).

When I was filing my federal taxes I found out that I owe $154 to the federal government. I’m a little…oh I don’t know…fucking pissed about it! It’s ICC’s fault cause they don’t take out taxes per pay check which makes the tax due accumulate rather than pay it off. I can’t way to never set foot on this pathetic campus again. It’s been such a waste of my life. The only good thing was meeting some of the best people of my life here and getting my Associates. The end.

I’ve been trying terribly hard lately to be calm and just think things through before over reacting to them like usual. It’s honestly minutely difficult. Buuut, I think I’ve been doing well about it. Now, I’m not saying that’s it wrong that I feel a certain way; that I feel mad or upset in any way. I’m just attempting to keep from bring others down when I feel down. I feel like I may have been doing that a lot recently and I hate to make other accommodate for me or appear rude in anyway.

Basically my friend’s kind of rock. Thumbs up guys!

I may be going to Manhattan this weekend to see Brandon for Valentines Day but I’d hate to be intrusive. I don’t want to stay with him since he won’t in his apartment over most of the weekend, which means I have to ask my friends brother to stay with him :/. Not that I don’t like his brother, he actually is kind of cool, but I feel like a dick asking to stay with him when I obviously invited myself on the entire trip in the first place…ugh. :) I guess I’ll figure it out.
I’m going to end with this simple and quite unusual statement:

American Idol rules, I need to watch more lost, and I love it when I’m calm enough to realize that I don’t have to make all of my decisions immediately. I can wait :P.

Bonfire

A fire burns in my heart.

It’s stifling. Brimming. Incandescent.

And yet it shines on no one.

I’m but a kindle vessel, baking in to out.

Steam escapes me like a smokers cough

and I hack and hack into my hand.

Tears rolling down smolder cheeks from it

slicing divots: a red, red path

ending in a torrent for the tongue,

lapped up ceaselessly.

A waterfall that gurgles to the gut

and sizzles on that fire.

Evaporated.

And

started

again.

I think that falling in love is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. Once you fall in love you can’t help it. I hate anything in my life being so out of control.

But people need love. I need love. And so I show it and I get it and that’s the end.

Love is sort of a greedy mistress. A black hole temptation for the mind. It swirls downward, downward and then we expect love to be what sustains us. Love to be what takes care of us.

No.

You take care of yourself. It’s safer that way. It’s easier that way. Trust me, you won’t realize it now but when you’re almost dead. When you’re hanging there, sighing your last I-love-you’s when you wonder who made those words up? It’s just a phrase composed randomly of 26 characters we were taught to say when we were 2. Their words attached to a meaning we can’t express. A meaning that if we could, would eat us up inside anyway, because we could never fathom how to express it but by shedding our own bodies red.

How ignorant to love.

The above is sort of a monologue that I came up with. The first was a poem.

The below is sort of thoughts I’ve been having for the past few days.

I’m sort of addicted to writing. I can’t really help it. Sometimes I get into frenzy and I spout of a whole bunch of words! I think the worst though is when I can’t find anything to write about.

But writing is the perfect stress reliever. The best high I can get sober. :)

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the human psychology and man! It’s soo cool! It just makes me wanting to be a psychologist all the more worth it.

I both enjoy and despise how indecisive I am.

Sometimes I get a little too angry, or too upset or too happy, without examining all the results that may happen afterward.

I’m so glad to have feelings. I’d rather be miserable constantly then to not have the capability of being miserable.

I feel like writing a song.

I’m reading Susan Kay’s Phantom and it kind of blows my mind.

I wish I could tell people I love them instead of hiding it because I’m afraid of what they’ll say back…

What an odd blog this was! :)

I need...something.

Have you ever had the urge to be included? What the fuck am I asking? Of course anyone who’s of the typical human mind set would seek inclusion. Well, of the typical extroverted human mind set.

I’m excruciatingly extroverted (I think). Possibly to the point of slight annoyance. I love being outspoken and not being afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people. I suppose that’s why I enjoyed acting for so long. But at the same time, I’d never want to offend anyone. I feel like sometimes my extrovertedness (totally effing made up that word) and blatantly awkward humor can be offsetting for many and possibly grate against peoples nerves. I’d like to think people enjoyed being around me for the most part.

Alas when I’m left to my own devices I make a horrible panel judge at the table, particularly when it comes to judging the things I do/the way I act towards and around other people. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a mirror by me at all times to view what everyone else sees. I think though it’s better off that way. Better for me to question it then know it. But by questioning it, I’m sure I’m incorrect (and correct) in a myriad of ways/instances.

I ache for people to want to be around me as much as I want to be around them. I want someone to miss me so badly that they have to see me immediately or they don’t know what they’ll do. I want individuals to look around, wonder why things are boring and realize it’s because I’m not there. I want for once to be asked to do something then have to be the one to ask them.

I’m sure those urges are driven by some shred of selfishness, but I can say for a fact that they are meant with earnest acceptance. I’m my own best friend because I have to be. Because on too many occasions I’ve had to rely on myself. Because I’m the one who they forgot to call, or never wanted to in the first place. Because my nights are spent in the company of school work and course books and computer screens.

And I forgive everyone because I need…something…anything…I just don’t know what it is. Let me figure it out and I’ll get back to you on that.

Eat the Fucking Catfish Bitch!

“I’m glad I can’t tell the future. I’d never want to get out of bed.” – Quote from Tracy Letts’ play August: Osage County which I had the pleasure of witnessing last night during a thoroughly awkward rendezvous with two remotely creepy individuals and a bright eyed freshman from Coffeyville Community College. It was a brilliantly written, wonderfully enacted piece by a native Oklahoman born playwright. I felt particularly inflated since I myself have spent some time in Pawhuska OK, where the play is set, in Osage County. Pawhuska lays on the Osage Indian Reservation, hence the county name.

However there wasn’t much about Native Americans except for a rather small character that ends up the maid of the house, and with dual dissatisfaction, was not descend from the Osage tree. She was of some other unmentionable tribe that I had never heard of (which means it was of no merit…kidding, just kidding). The play was very multi-dimensional, chock full of great lines, quotable to say the least, accidental brother and sister incest, a 40 year old feeling up a 14 year old while high, a Mother/Grandmother who lives every day high as a kite and loves it, a woman whose husband cheated on her with a high school aged student of his, an Aunt who had sex with the Mother/Grandmother’s husband and has his child without the Aunts husband ever finding out, and above all else, the alcoholic, self-drowned suicide of the Mother/Grandmother’s husband at the very beginning that plagues the entire show. It was breathtaking, moving, heart stopping, awkward and enraging, everything to look for in a play. Not to mention of course that it was three hours long and had two intermissions (the latter is a cynical statement. It didn’t make the show better). But the show’s intermissions helped break it up to keep it from feeling too ridiculously long.

The playwright was even in the audience, met him in the bathroom. It was awesome. I even got to witness the dubbing of Jan. 26 becoming Tracy Letts day. Rad.

It gave me inspiration to write a play based on a family I’ve recently been observing…well recently for about the past year or so. However, I’m sure it would be embarrassing for that family if I were to blow up all of their problems/mistakes/bad traits in front of an audience when in fact their family is quite lovely and very kind. But my show wouldn’t help happily. I believe a play leave someone with the best impact if it ends horrifically, leaving the audience member stunned within their plushy, chairs, shaking with rage or frustration or tears or whatever emotion I force them to feel. Something they can take with them to chew on for a while. And I’m very happy to have the perfect subject. I just need to get an okay on it.

In other news I was allowed to SWACDA again. I love how I know I’m doing the right thing when everyone around me thinks I’m not, drops me from everything extracurricular, and then begs me back to join because there isn’t anyone else to fill the position. Trust me, I usually know what I’m doing (usually being the opportune word). So, give me the benefit of the doubt and go for the ride baby.

I’ve recently had this burning urge to be blatantly honest with people in a very unkind way and I feel no need in apologizing for it. I told a distant friend of mine off for annoying the fuck out of me in the library for the hundredth time and it felt like a nice hearty sigh. I told someone how I really thought of them and informed their ex that their previous boyfriend had cheated on him with me and another individual and it felt good to be 100% honest about something for once (though I was rather rude and bitchy about it. But it was truth none-the-less). I can’t stress enough that I’m comfortable about it. It’s like I’ve gotten a new license to be myself and I’m taking it and flying. I’m glad my close friends are backing me up. If I seem like I’m being really mean guys, just try to look at it this way…I’m not mean to you! :P

So finally some optimism out of pessimism – it feels great. Now, to end this lovely blog entry, I’ll leave you all with my favorite quote from August: Osage County: “Eat the fucking catfish, bitch!”

A Pessimist at Heart

I hate investing myself. I think I do so well in avoiding it until I finally look and realize I’ve been doing it the entire time. The most aggravating part of it is that I don’t realize till it hurts me that I notice I’m reaching out for nothing but air.


Maybe I read to far into things. I believe much truth can be said in jest. I believe that it really is the little things that define the big things. When pushed up into a corner, we’ll do what we have to to appear nice, or understanding, or a good person, when we aren’t. Not a single person isn’t selfish. Not a single person isn’t looking out for their own ass.


And I guess there isn’t anything wrong with that. To keep ourselves from hurting we do what we can to avoid a situation. It’s just so teeth grindingly, misty eye inducingly upsetting to realize you only have yourself to rely on. In the end, if everyone left and didn’t look back, the only person I can guarantee would be there for me is myself.


I’m not trying to demean my friends at all. I know that they mean the best for me. But everyone, including myself, get’s caught up in life. Who want’s to be tied down by some stupid individual? Who want’s to let their actions be determined by the care for another? It’s fun for a while, but I guess it get’s old.


I don’t know what I want to do after I graduate from my two year. I don’t know what is going to make me happy. I don’t know what will change me in positive ways and what wont. But possibly the most degrading thing about it is being accused of following someone on whatever choice I make. Even if I was, it’s my choice to make. If it’s a mistake, let me learn it. If it’s not, let me enjoy it.


But I have to figure it out fast. Deadlines are coming up and I need to have fall backs for whatever it is I do.


Wow, my blogs have been kind of Debbie downer-ish. :D I guess it’s easier to express myself negatively then positively. Here, I’ll make a promise. I’ll write about positives when I don’t have to worry so much about negatives. What can I say, I’m a pessimist at heart. ;)

It's suite mate...definitely not sweet mate.

People are such interesting creatures. Interesting perhaps not in a true fascinating idea of them, but I’m mostly drawn to their ability to be unkind.


At this moment my lovely suite mate is bathing in the shower. It’s 12:30 and I’m feeling sleep Satan sneaking up on me. Unfortunately it is impossible for me to sleep. Why? Because whenever he showers he HAS to play music. Hold on, I said play, I mean BLAST. It’s grotesquely aggravating to the point that I have flashing images of myself, wielding scissors, cutting the chord to his speakers just so I can get a good nights sleep. However, that would be unkind of me, something I grasp and something he obviously does not.


My previous weekend was for a lack of better term wonderful. I spent 3 days with my boyfriend, something I’m grateful for, because we learned each other monumentally through hookah (and other assorted substances :D), sleeping together (like actually sleeping…don‘t let your minds wander too much) and obviously just living around each other.


I had a moment over the weekend, when I was alone in his room so we could take a break from each other, when I gained a certain appreciation for my existence. It’s cheesy hippy of me to say, but I felt a strong connection with the earth and the energy in it; with Brandon and other relations with my friends, that was very gratifying and refreshing. I’m in no way a religious person, but if I believed in any spirituality, I experienced it during that time.


Now, let me take a moment to rag on myself...


Everyone has flaws. There is no way I’m going to deny that I myself have many. I think that my most annoying flaw (or perhaps most annoying to myself) is that when I try to fix things that I’ve screwed up (I’d like to think this doesn’t happen frequently..huh…) that I can only succeed in making them worse.


In life, there will be people that I will hurt. There will be people who don’t like me. I’m not perfect and regrettably, these things are inevitable. I need to learn to accept that I can’t fix everything; to let people feel how they want to feel about me despite my previous actions or not. To live content in myself is the most satisfying way that I can live.


To end the weekend I wrote a song with Carlie. Music is the best top off to an eye opening three days. Now back to school…X_X.